The final push for graduation was a hard one. I'd had my foot and three toes out the door all semester, and by the time Hairspray auditions rolled around, I just wanted to be done. I moved forward almost blindly, spending precious little energy on concern for my grades, my legacy, or the logistics of the graduation ceremony. I just wanted to get through it and get on a big boat where I could leave it all behind. I got through it. I got on a big boat and left it all behind. I had an amazing week of exploration and indulgence the likes of which I'd never experienced. I got to stand still with the sense that I was moving forward, and I got to enjoy theatre and music and nature, so many things that I love so much and never feel like I had enough of. I saw Chicago and I was a Broadway patron. I sang karaoke and I was a star. I woke up to the sun every morning telling me that the day would contain whatever I wanted it to. But then I got off the boat, and everything I'd left behind was right here waiting for me.
I'm back in Tallahassee for another month until Hairspray is over. I'd allowed myself to forget on the boat that I still have a stupid freshman English class to get through before they actually send me my degree. In the Caribbean, I didn't feel this strange apprehension that I was behind everyone and needed to catch up. At sea, I didn't worry about my lack of self-sufficiency or my difficulty getting people to see me or my frustrations over not having enough control over my life. I wasn't freaked out about auditions. I wasn't mad at myself for not being good enough. I wasn't scared I would be "one of those people" I know I don't want to be. I was happy there. I don't know how to be happy here.
It literally feels like I left my life behind only to go right back to it. The cruise ended and I was back in my little place by campus, back to setting lofty agendas for each day and getting nowhere near meeting them, back to being a non-graduate who couldn't manage a featured role in a community production, whose heart palpitates when she tries to drive over 20mph, who doesn't want to get up in the morning and hates herself for getting a late start. I don't know how to get away from that without a big long boat to carry me away. As no boat seems to be forthcoming, I have to figure out how to create the magic of the Allure on my own...
