It's Tuesday evening, my third Tuesday in a row of not having rehearsal or a show to get to, the second Tuesday in my second week of having no show affiliation. I don't have any obligation for tonight beyond seeing a thirty-minute show to support my fellow thespians, and I have a decent chunk of work to do when I get home. I have a project to finish, a monologue to learn, a room to clean, and plenty of content to study, and yet I anticipate standing in the middle of my room when I get home wondering what to do with myself. As glad as I was for the break, it just doesn't seem natural to not have my time between seven and ten at night designated for me by an obligation to some show or some deadline. That's the thing that drives me. It's so weird not to have rehearsal, not to even have a goal for what to accomplish by next rehearsal. Thinking of my life in terms of days and weeks has got me constantly pushing deadlines back, losing the urgency that I have. I've only got five more days without a show, and I wonder what I'll accomplish with them.
When I have a show, I come home tired or wired, to fatigued to do anything or too caught up in what I've come from to think about anything else. When I don't have a show, I feel this obligation to do something major with those three hours which ends up translating into obsessing over Dance Moms and looking determinedly at the next day, sure that it's going to be different. Usually, if I go to sleep before finishing my homework, or don't get around to writing something, I assuage my disappointment with whatever I accomplished in rehearsal. If nothing else, I've spent some time on what's really important, what I can't live without no matter what else is going on. I miss being a part of something. I can't wait until I have rehearsal. I hope I'm able to accomplish more when I get to it.
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