What have you learned?

All that's left of Senior Project is our defense, our explanation of what we set out to do in the class and whether or not we did it. I have a pretty certain answer to both of those questions and I don't need ten minutes to explain it, but I have one last question that I have yet to answer and it's been troubling me to try: what have you learned?

We signed up for times to view our presentations as part of our assessment of ourselves. I didn't want to. I hate watching myself. But I didn't think that I would see anything that would give me any new insight into how I performed. I forgot how excruciating it can be to see myself. It was awful from start to finish. I looked fat and uncomfortable in my dress, I was too quiet, I stared up entirely too much and I didn't like the person I saw onstage. I hate that I had to look at it. I've known for a long time that my endeavor in Senior Project was a complete failure, but it was something else entirely to have it staring me in the face. My monologue was especially painful because I didn't have my voice to rest on or my scene partner to blame. It was awful. And now I have to explain to them why it was awful.

After I reviewed my performances, I had the pleasure of reading the faculty's evaluations. I don't get to see who said what, but most of what I saw was not positive. Many of them shared my sentiments that I should have done better and was sorely lacking in the basics. As unapologetically honest as they were in their evaluations, I don't know if I can do the same in my defense. The fact is, I do blame some of my failure on them for not being supportive from the beginning, for assuming that I would spend half the semester looking for a suitabl piece, that when we showed our pieces for the first time, I hadn't done any work on mine. I do feel like I would have chosen a better monologue if I had had more time and I would have put more into it if I had more support. But despite what might have been, or even what was, there's nothing I can do about it now. There's no way to fix it, and even if I succeed in every theatrical thing I do from here on out, I don't know that that will "make up" for it. It is what it is. It's over now. But I have to revisit it and reexamine it and open myself up to their two cents as to why I fell so far short of expectations.

What have I learned? I close off when I don't feel supported. I knew that already. I have a hard time dedicating myself to something for the art of it when I feel like I'm being judged. I knew that too. It would be beneficial to learn how to deal with it, but I haven't learned that yet. My only hope is that when I study without being judged, things turn out better.