They won't let me graduate. I don't get to graduate. Even though I took two different AP exams in high school that should count as freshman English courses, they don't count for enough because I only got 3s. A 3 is passing, but nothing special, an easily foreseeable result of my being terrible with times writings and confusing the same cluster of literary terms over and over again. FAMU accepts 3s, mind you. I mean, you can't very well expect an institution that takes in people who have gotten 440 in a subject on their SATs to scoff at a person who's taken and passed an AP exam when said person could have taken home economics (or in my case, Pro Arte) instead for an easy A. But they only accept it so much. According to them, my 3s only count for one class, that being the very first ENC class. So even though, AP Lit. focuses on exploring literature the same way ENC 1102 focuses on literary analysis, while AP Lang focuses on composition the same way ENC 1101 throws out the basic elements of writing that everyone should have learned in literature, the two AP courses amount to the same college course, which is one less than I need to graduate.
The bitch of it is that the only reason they count for one course instead of two is that I got 3s in both of them. To clarify, taking one exam and getting a 4 on it is the equivalent of taking two college courses, but taking two exams and getting a not four but still passing grade on both of them is the equivalent of taking one college course. Because FAMU is nothing if not logical. So I'm short a credit to graduate. And, no matter how aggressively my mother dials my phone number, there's nothing anyone can do about it because apparently FAMU really really really really really thinks that everyone should take ENC 1102 as there is absolutely no other way to test out of the course. Every other testing program would only give me yet another ENC 1101 credit that I don't need, and cost me money that I don't have. The fact that no one mentioned to me any of the other times I trekked to Foote-Hilyer to find out why the hell my shit wasn't showing up on my transcript (even though I clearly told that trick that I should have five credits listed and she smiled and told me they would be up in no time) means that it's too late for me to register for an English course, which I considered doing in January but decided not to at the last minute because they have nothing to teach me. I've done perfectly fine with my lack of college English thus far, and between my AP classes and my working in the writing center, I've taken this class at least two times over.
So this is really happening. I'm really one of those people whose degree is being held hostage over one stupid freshman class. And not even a class that I would learn anything from, but a class that has the same information and offers the same skills I've been using since my sophomore year in high school. Betimes I could apply them better, but the fact remains, I would get nothing from taking this course. The only avenue I haven't tried is registering to take the AP exam again to see if I can pull out a 4 because it happens to be taking place at the same time that I will be on a cruise in honor of the graduation that won't happen. Mother should have purchased insurance when she had the chance.
So that's it. I absolutely can't get this English credit before May, so I absolutely won't have a degree on it's way to me over the summer and I absolutely will be walking across the stage to collect an empty envelope in front of my family, who have already recieved the graduation announcements. I can't even register to take the class over the summer right now because my outstanding graduation application (which is now bullshit) has placed a hold on my account. I am angry and I am tired. All this worrying about what I'll do once I've graduated, and now it's not even going to happen. We plan. God laughs. I cry.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
i fucking hate that fucking bus and that shitty bus ride. i wish i could drive. i wish i could fly. im supposed to be done sulking but god help me i cant stop crying and i dont have anything better to do. i tried to be positive. i really did. i looked up my next audition and found another one before that. i resolved to do productive things on the bus drive back. i decided to spend more money on an earlier departure so that i could actually arrive in tallahassee at a reasonable time and sleep in my bed instead of in a cramped bus seat and be in tallahassee in the morning so i could work and practice and clean and do all the things that will make me better. i was prepared to move on. they wouldnt let me. itms not my fault i was late. mother said shed be there for me at 330 but didnt show up till almost four. even then, the bus wasnt gone when i got here. the man in front of me was trying to get on the same bus as i was, only he didnt have a ticket but they let him buy one. not me. he wasnt too late to start but i was too late to change and now i get to spend 3 hours in this fhcking bus station with the unwashed masses knowing that nobody wants me before i spend 17 hours trying to get to an institution that hasnt taught me how to be castable and show up just in time to miss my first class which i may or may not be failing. misierable. its a miserable dream i have and i keep pushing and pushing and i get nowhere. im headed nowhere. and all i can do is keep going. i hate the bus. i want to get off the bus.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
It got me again
I'm inclined to blame the lack of outlets for the fact that I accomplished absolutely nothing in the six hours that I spent en route to Atlanta today. It wasn't actually a bad trip. My joints are a little tight, which isn't surprising, and the bus was kind of crowded, but it was daytime, the route was familiar, and I'd had no trouble getting there, so the only way that I can account for my lack of productivity after making a lovely little to-do list is that riding an older bus meant I couldn't use that power listen to Pandora on my phone. I either slept, or sat staring into space the entire time, which is why I'm now not the least bit sleepy at eleven o'clock at night despite being up late last night and knowing I have an early morning tomorrow. Grrreat.
Let's look at the positives, shall we?
1) I'm here, exposing myself to another opportunity.
2) I apparently have an A in aesthetics right now, so apparently my professor doesn't mind crappy papers, so long as they follow the formula.
3) I have two more opportunities to look forward to this month.
4) I can eat QuikTrip for breakfast tomorrow.
5) I currently have a basement that I can belt in.
And now the less positives
1) I don't actually know what I'm going to perform tomorrow
2) I have to get up early to be there early because I am 21 without a license and need my mommy to drive me places
3) I may not actually get to come back to my house once I leave for my audition at 8 and I have to keep myself occupied for several hours
4) My voice teacher is probably about to punch me in the face for missing three lessons in a row
5) I'm not much further along than I was last week
I'm out of my rut. That's good. And I'm "free" for the rest of the semester. But...the trouble is, the rest of the semester is only a little of the month, much of which is going to be taken up in The Color Purple, senior showcase, and finals. I need to get ahead of the game, and I'm still playing catch-up. Hopefully my free time tomorrow will be better spent than my time on the bus. And on my bus trip tomorrow...I really hope they have outlets.
Let's look at the positives, shall we?
1) I'm here, exposing myself to another opportunity.
2) I apparently have an A in aesthetics right now, so apparently my professor doesn't mind crappy papers, so long as they follow the formula.
3) I have two more opportunities to look forward to this month.
4) I can eat QuikTrip for breakfast tomorrow.
5) I currently have a basement that I can belt in.
And now the less positives
1) I don't actually know what I'm going to perform tomorrow
2) I have to get up early to be there early because I am 21 without a license and need my mommy to drive me places
3) I may not actually get to come back to my house once I leave for my audition at 8 and I have to keep myself occupied for several hours
4) My voice teacher is probably about to punch me in the face for missing three lessons in a row
5) I'm not much further along than I was last week
I'm out of my rut. That's good. And I'm "free" for the rest of the semester. But...the trouble is, the rest of the semester is only a little of the month, much of which is going to be taken up in The Color Purple, senior showcase, and finals. I need to get ahead of the game, and I'm still playing catch-up. Hopefully my free time tomorrow will be better spent than my time on the bus. And on my bus trip tomorrow...I really hope they have outlets.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
College happens in the later hours
It's nine o'clock on the night of my first school-related all-nighter in awhile and I'm very curious as to how this is going to turn out. I'd berate myself for waiting until the very last minute to do my paper, but I get a reprieve for that by not technically having waited until the last minute due to having no idea when the last minute was. I predict I'll be finished with this baby sometime between two and three, but you never know when the need to watch Bunheads will become to powerful to resist, and blogging, which takes me much longer than it should for the schlock drafts that I dish out, will likely extend my time. Let's see how this goes, shall we?
For my first act of procrastination, I looked to see if the post I did yesterday had posted...it didn't. Luckily, it was still in my drafts. Okay, I'm getting to work now.
...I may be starting at 10...
Okay...the instructions for this paper are esssentially a "how to write a paper" tutorial...I am genuinely torn between half-assing a correctly formulaic paper and investing my time into a position I hold strongly. See, if he didn't make things so easy for us, maybe I would work harder...maybe not. I'm wondering now what grade I'll get if I forego the paper altogether.
I'm very alert and I feel like writing something, but not this paper.
I haven't actually done any of the writing yet, but I have officially resolved to attempt to write decent paper, even though I'm annoyed with this formula.
I definitely should have stopped reading when I found a case I liked.
DUDE. He actually tells us almost word for word how to write the thesis. Like, the only difference between his sample version and my version is which case I'm addressing. Does he think none of us capable of original thought? Also, his format makes it really hard for me to say what I want to say. I may be BSing this paper after all...
Also, I may be here till four.
As annoyed as I am that I have a ways to go, I do believe I'm actually getting somewhere. There will be some BSing, but I'll do it with style.
And now I'm at the point where I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it and I feel like the more I try, the more like an idiot I sound. I am definitely not gettin out of here by two.
The vending machine is out of M&Ms
Dammit. I'm invested now and I'm stuck.
It is now 2:04. I am still here.
It is 2:46. I don't like my paper, but I turned it in. I blame his formula.
For my first act of procrastination, I looked to see if the post I did yesterday had posted...it didn't. Luckily, it was still in my drafts. Okay, I'm getting to work now.
...I may be starting at 10...
Okay...the instructions for this paper are esssentially a "how to write a paper" tutorial...I am genuinely torn between half-assing a correctly formulaic paper and investing my time into a position I hold strongly. See, if he didn't make things so easy for us, maybe I would work harder...maybe not. I'm wondering now what grade I'll get if I forego the paper altogether.
I'm very alert and I feel like writing something, but not this paper.
I haven't actually done any of the writing yet, but I have officially resolved to attempt to write decent paper, even though I'm annoyed with this formula.
I definitely should have stopped reading when I found a case I liked.
DUDE. He actually tells us almost word for word how to write the thesis. Like, the only difference between his sample version and my version is which case I'm addressing. Does he think none of us capable of original thought? Also, his format makes it really hard for me to say what I want to say. I may be BSing this paper after all...
Also, I may be here till four.
As annoyed as I am that I have a ways to go, I do believe I'm actually getting somewhere. There will be some BSing, but I'll do it with style.
And now I'm at the point where I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it and I feel like the more I try, the more like an idiot I sound. I am definitely not gettin out of here by two.
The vending machine is out of M&Ms
Dammit. I'm invested now and I'm stuck.
It is now 2:04. I am still here.
It is 2:46. I don't like my paper, but I turned it in. I blame his formula.
Time to get off the bus
I really need to get better at the Greyhound thing. All I want to do while I'm en route is sleep, a feat made difficult to impossible by the close seats, the hygeine of my fellow passengers, and the frequent stops and layovers. Even if I do get some winks in, it's at the wrong time, and I end up being worn out later. Thus, after my 17-hour sojourn from Atlanta, I got off of the bus groggy, sore, late for class, and totally unprepared for what was left of the day. I blame my lack of productivity on the bus trip.
I missed my first class completely once I decided to go home and drop my luggage off. Then I got to my second class (late) and surprise! I had a paper due today. I'm still able to turn it in, but by not thinking about it for the whole of spring break, I've turned my busy week before heading back to Atlanta into a mad dash to catch up with life. I still haven't made up the tests that I missed and I really have no idea what went on in my other classes while I was sick. Perhaps I should have spent a bit less of last week feeling sorry for myself. On the other hand, at least I've gotten it out of my system. I'm sitting in my (very trashy) room instead of one of the three alternatives that existed before I got on the bus.
I missed the bus that would have taken me to dance class, and it's too late to try to get to that side of town any other way. The audition I had lined up was cancelled or postponed or something or another and I may or may not be able to go out for that job and I cancelled my appointment to work on my website because I'm just not ready. I don't have my plan together and I don't want to waste anyone's time. So I'm sitting home with a laundry list of things to do and I don't feel like doing any of it. My room's a mess, my academics aren't in order, and I am nowhere near performance ready with my senior project pieces. I predict I'll sleep like a log tonight.
I missed my first class completely once I decided to go home and drop my luggage off. Then I got to my second class (late) and surprise! I had a paper due today. I'm still able to turn it in, but by not thinking about it for the whole of spring break, I've turned my busy week before heading back to Atlanta into a mad dash to catch up with life. I still haven't made up the tests that I missed and I really have no idea what went on in my other classes while I was sick. Perhaps I should have spent a bit less of last week feeling sorry for myself. On the other hand, at least I've gotten it out of my system. I'm sitting in my (very trashy) room instead of one of the three alternatives that existed before I got on the bus.
I missed the bus that would have taken me to dance class, and it's too late to try to get to that side of town any other way. The audition I had lined up was cancelled or postponed or something or another and I may or may not be able to go out for that job and I cancelled my appointment to work on my website because I'm just not ready. I don't have my plan together and I don't want to waste anyone's time. So I'm sitting home with a laundry list of things to do and I don't feel like doing any of it. My room's a mess, my academics aren't in order, and I am nowhere near performance ready with my senior project pieces. I predict I'll sleep like a log tonight.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Other Prospects
While I'm here, I might as well go through the couple of things I have to look forward to now. Summer is coming, and where there's summer, there's summer camp. I've already applied to two camps, one sleep away, one day and, while I'm not actually holding my breath for either one of them, I do feel better about having options.
It is looking more and more like I will be returning to the shelter of my mother's roof post-graduation where I have the option of not paying rent and the frustration of not being anywhere near a bus line, so my next trip home (well...the next next one...) really needs to include a trip to the DMV. Fortunately for me though, there is a lot of theatre happening in the Atlanta area and, if none of that is panning out at a given moment, there's a Family Dollar up the street that I can walk to to earn my supper.
First off, I should acknowledge that I was able to keep my Atlanta Performs slot, so I'm still going to be seen by a good number of Atlanta area companies on Monday. I have a full two minutes, thirty seconds more than what I'm used to for an audition slot, to catch the eye of one company...maybe two...maybe seven. I have no idea who will be there of what they're looking for, but it just might be me. This may very well be my alternative to SETC.
In a little more than a week, I will be auditioning for Stone Mountain Park's summer entertainment. It's in Stone Mountain, so I wouldn't necessarily have to drive myself to and from work, the pay is good for a summer job going to someone who doesn't have to pay rent, and it has a pretty fixed schedule, so if I try to do something else, I know what I'm getting into. I'm paying a hundred bucks and missing another day of classes to come back next week and audition, but I am wisely auditioning on the same day as callbacks, so I won't have to worry about my absence keeping me from getting a job. Greyhound really should have frequent traveler miles. Being that it's only a summer position, I'll be back to seeking a job fairly quickly even if I do get it, but I'll be seeking a job with a professional credit on my resume and money in the bank.
I really want a job, and not an internship, but I've opened myself to internships so long as they pay something (my having the Family Dollar nearby and all) and don't require complete availability. Shakespeare Tavern has one such internship. The Aurora Theatre has another. Both don't have auditions until April and are seeking graduates, so I'll likely know about Stone Mountain by the time these are immediately before me and how much attention I should pay to them. The Aurora one is particularly tempting because of its opportunities for further training (which I've acknowledged I really need), but I would love to have a Shakespeare company on my resume. Neither specifies what they pay, but I'm expecting they'll be pretty modest which means less pocket money for personal development and less money in the bank for paying back student loans or making the eventual move to NYC.
On top of those professional opportunities, there is the possibility that I'll stay in Tallahassee over the summer, do Hairspray in Quincy and put up a kids' show at Southside, probably Schoolhouse Rock! It's another chance topute a lead role on my, I'll have plenty of free time to take dance class and possibly get a menial paying job through which I can save lots of money. I'm not above staying in Tally until my lease is up since I have to pay for the place anyway. The only problem is when I'm supposed to move all my stuff. But then, that's a problem either way.
This doesn't look too bad. Sure it could be better, but we've all got to start somewhere. Next stop, Marcus Jewish Community Center!
It is looking more and more like I will be returning to the shelter of my mother's roof post-graduation where I have the option of not paying rent and the frustration of not being anywhere near a bus line, so my next trip home (well...the next next one...) really needs to include a trip to the DMV. Fortunately for me though, there is a lot of theatre happening in the Atlanta area and, if none of that is panning out at a given moment, there's a Family Dollar up the street that I can walk to to earn my supper.
First off, I should acknowledge that I was able to keep my Atlanta Performs slot, so I'm still going to be seen by a good number of Atlanta area companies on Monday. I have a full two minutes, thirty seconds more than what I'm used to for an audition slot, to catch the eye of one company...maybe two...maybe seven. I have no idea who will be there of what they're looking for, but it just might be me. This may very well be my alternative to SETC.
In a little more than a week, I will be auditioning for Stone Mountain Park's summer entertainment. It's in Stone Mountain, so I wouldn't necessarily have to drive myself to and from work, the pay is good for a summer job going to someone who doesn't have to pay rent, and it has a pretty fixed schedule, so if I try to do something else, I know what I'm getting into. I'm paying a hundred bucks and missing another day of classes to come back next week and audition, but I am wisely auditioning on the same day as callbacks, so I won't have to worry about my absence keeping me from getting a job. Greyhound really should have frequent traveler miles. Being that it's only a summer position, I'll be back to seeking a job fairly quickly even if I do get it, but I'll be seeking a job with a professional credit on my resume and money in the bank.
I really want a job, and not an internship, but I've opened myself to internships so long as they pay something (my having the Family Dollar nearby and all) and don't require complete availability. Shakespeare Tavern has one such internship. The Aurora Theatre has another. Both don't have auditions until April and are seeking graduates, so I'll likely know about Stone Mountain by the time these are immediately before me and how much attention I should pay to them. The Aurora one is particularly tempting because of its opportunities for further training (which I've acknowledged I really need), but I would love to have a Shakespeare company on my resume. Neither specifies what they pay, but I'm expecting they'll be pretty modest which means less pocket money for personal development and less money in the bank for paying back student loans or making the eventual move to NYC.
On top of those professional opportunities, there is the possibility that I'll stay in Tallahassee over the summer, do Hairspray in Quincy and put up a kids' show at Southside, probably Schoolhouse Rock! It's another chance topute a lead role on my, I'll have plenty of free time to take dance class and possibly get a menial paying job through which I can save lots of money. I'm not above staying in Tally until my lease is up since I have to pay for the place anyway. The only problem is when I'm supposed to move all my stuff. But then, that's a problem either way.
This doesn't look too bad. Sure it could be better, but we've all got to start somewhere. Next stop, Marcus Jewish Community Center!
What Are Your Other Prospects
I had a very specific idea of how my spring break would go. It would start with an excursion to Kentucky for SETC where, even though I wouldn't be an official auditionee, I would expose myself through workshops and shop my headshot around to every good prospect I could think of. Afterwards, I would run home to quickly secure my legal documents before jetting off to the Big Apple for a fun-filled weekend of Broadway, ending with a shot to Connecticut where I would audition for dozens of reputable companies from around the country before coming back to home base in the A where I would audition for dozens of reputable theatre companies in the Atlanta area. It was going to be great. It was...until the Sunday before SETC.
I woke up closing day of Oklahoma! with a tickle in my throat that had evolved into a nasty illness by that night, an illness that refused to leave, even out of respect for my willingness to crawl my sick butt out of bed in the middle of the night for a 17 hour bus trip by myself. Instead, my fever came back with a vengeance that Wednesday night, so much so that my fellow conferencce attendees insisted I be trapped in the hotel room for another day rather than go out and enjoy all that the conference had to offer. If I wasn't so weak I would have had the energy to be very angry with them. The trip ended up being a bust and, as I boarded my bus for the eight hour trip to Atlanta, I wished sincerely that I had stayed in bed in Tallahassee. My mother took a cue from my friends in Kentucky, insisting that I was too sick to go to New York. The prospect of New York had ceased to be an opportunity anyway, however, since I wasn't approved to audition for NETC. Then on Tuesday, I got an email from Atlanta Performs announcing that my paperwork wasn't in order, which meant I may not have an audition slot with them after all. Instead of being seen by a hundred companies in the course of a couple of weeks, I was faced with the prospect of not being seen by any. On top of that, my search for pieces of mail with my name on it revealed a rejection letter from Dollywood dated in February which my mother was strategically keeping from me, much the same way she kept my rejection letter from Carnegie Mellon from me even though she knew I was looking out for it. Is it worse to keep hope alive when nothing will come of it than to crush your daughter's dreams? Who knows, but by the time I found that letter, I was ready to punch a baby.
Above all else, that letter seemed to affirm that I was the one that nobody wanted. After all, how could a girl who couldn't manage to secure the lead in a community production think she'd attract professionals to give her something in exchange for her work? It was a dismal week that saw many hours on th couch watching America's Next Top Model marathons and wondering why it is I'm not good enough. At one point, I vented to my partner in ambition that I might lose an audition. He sympathized, but only briefly. He almost immediately asked, "What are your other prospects?" What are my other prospects? What do you do if you don't get the job? What's the next step? It's taken about a week of moping, but I think I'm finally prepared to answer some of those questions. First though, I need to acknowledge a few truths.
I could stand to lighten up a little. One thing that I did get out of SETC, was the chance to hear Norm Lewis share a bit of wisdom. The biggest thing I took from him was his admonition not to let your gift define you. I have pretty much lived in constant terror that I would lose the theatre game since I was a freshman at DSA and I screwed up my first audition. If I'm going to be a real actor, I have to be a complete person. And if I'm not going to be a real actor, fretting still does me no good.
I can get more out of my life than I am right now. I've been on the guilt trip about voice lessons, but it's more than that. There's practice on my own time. There's recital attendence. There's seeing more shows and reading more scripts. There's the gym and the track, the dance studio and my room. All the world's a stage, and the whole stage is a classroom. And in that same vein
I am not my best. This is a good thing. I don't have to settle for what I am now, and if people don't want what I am now, I can still be something they want in the future. I can still (fingers crossed) become a triple threat. I can still get that high C. I can still approach a character through my body with the same intensity that I approach a character through my psyche. I can even still pick up an instrument enough to give casting directors hope. It's not over.
Oklahoma! was a mistake. I met some cool people and I got to be in the can-can, but as a production, Oklahoma! gave me pretty much no opportunities to grow physically, vocally, or theatrically. On top of that, it was an annoying and too time-consuming rehearsal process that ended up producing an okay (no pun intended) show that doesn't say anything about me but that I can get cast again by the same people. My time would have been better spent working on my dancing, preparing for auditions, and seeking more post-graduation prospects.
I need to take care of myself. I got severely ill seemingly out of nowhere and wasn't equipped to fight it. I should be healthier than that. I should never allow a few germs to ruin what coould be an excellent week and I should never not know what's going on with my body. I need to know myself better.
I still lack accountability. Too often, I choose not to share things for fear that no one will care or that I'll be judged for my failures. Not so. People care and, even if some judge, it's important to share. It's important not to bear everything alone and then wonder why the load is so heavy.
I haven't graduated yet. The clock is still ticking and May isn't getting any farther away, but until I walk across that stage, I have yet to be evicted from the shelter of college. I still have time to get that break. I still have time to be proud of myself. I still have other prospects.
I woke up closing day of Oklahoma! with a tickle in my throat that had evolved into a nasty illness by that night, an illness that refused to leave, even out of respect for my willingness to crawl my sick butt out of bed in the middle of the night for a 17 hour bus trip by myself. Instead, my fever came back with a vengeance that Wednesday night, so much so that my fellow conferencce attendees insisted I be trapped in the hotel room for another day rather than go out and enjoy all that the conference had to offer. If I wasn't so weak I would have had the energy to be very angry with them. The trip ended up being a bust and, as I boarded my bus for the eight hour trip to Atlanta, I wished sincerely that I had stayed in bed in Tallahassee. My mother took a cue from my friends in Kentucky, insisting that I was too sick to go to New York. The prospect of New York had ceased to be an opportunity anyway, however, since I wasn't approved to audition for NETC. Then on Tuesday, I got an email from Atlanta Performs announcing that my paperwork wasn't in order, which meant I may not have an audition slot with them after all. Instead of being seen by a hundred companies in the course of a couple of weeks, I was faced with the prospect of not being seen by any. On top of that, my search for pieces of mail with my name on it revealed a rejection letter from Dollywood dated in February which my mother was strategically keeping from me, much the same way she kept my rejection letter from Carnegie Mellon from me even though she knew I was looking out for it. Is it worse to keep hope alive when nothing will come of it than to crush your daughter's dreams? Who knows, but by the time I found that letter, I was ready to punch a baby.
Above all else, that letter seemed to affirm that I was the one that nobody wanted. After all, how could a girl who couldn't manage to secure the lead in a community production think she'd attract professionals to give her something in exchange for her work? It was a dismal week that saw many hours on th couch watching America's Next Top Model marathons and wondering why it is I'm not good enough. At one point, I vented to my partner in ambition that I might lose an audition. He sympathized, but only briefly. He almost immediately asked, "What are your other prospects?" What are my other prospects? What do you do if you don't get the job? What's the next step? It's taken about a week of moping, but I think I'm finally prepared to answer some of those questions. First though, I need to acknowledge a few truths.
I could stand to lighten up a little. One thing that I did get out of SETC, was the chance to hear Norm Lewis share a bit of wisdom. The biggest thing I took from him was his admonition not to let your gift define you. I have pretty much lived in constant terror that I would lose the theatre game since I was a freshman at DSA and I screwed up my first audition. If I'm going to be a real actor, I have to be a complete person. And if I'm not going to be a real actor, fretting still does me no good.
I can get more out of my life than I am right now. I've been on the guilt trip about voice lessons, but it's more than that. There's practice on my own time. There's recital attendence. There's seeing more shows and reading more scripts. There's the gym and the track, the dance studio and my room. All the world's a stage, and the whole stage is a classroom. And in that same vein
I am not my best. This is a good thing. I don't have to settle for what I am now, and if people don't want what I am now, I can still be something they want in the future. I can still (fingers crossed) become a triple threat. I can still get that high C. I can still approach a character through my body with the same intensity that I approach a character through my psyche. I can even still pick up an instrument enough to give casting directors hope. It's not over.
Oklahoma! was a mistake. I met some cool people and I got to be in the can-can, but as a production, Oklahoma! gave me pretty much no opportunities to grow physically, vocally, or theatrically. On top of that, it was an annoying and too time-consuming rehearsal process that ended up producing an okay (no pun intended) show that doesn't say anything about me but that I can get cast again by the same people. My time would have been better spent working on my dancing, preparing for auditions, and seeking more post-graduation prospects.
I need to take care of myself. I got severely ill seemingly out of nowhere and wasn't equipped to fight it. I should be healthier than that. I should never allow a few germs to ruin what coould be an excellent week and I should never not know what's going on with my body. I need to know myself better.
I still lack accountability. Too often, I choose not to share things for fear that no one will care or that I'll be judged for my failures. Not so. People care and, even if some judge, it's important to share. It's important not to bear everything alone and then wonder why the load is so heavy.
I haven't graduated yet. The clock is still ticking and May isn't getting any farther away, but until I walk across that stage, I have yet to be evicted from the shelter of college. I still have time to get that break. I still have time to be proud of myself. I still have other prospects.
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