Now for some specifics

Okay, I really can't articulate my feelings about the whole "do better-what if there is no better" notion that's plaguing my mind right now, so I'll instead take a look at the situation that made me well on that particular problem at this moment. I was at work, at the Writing Center, noodling around, as per final exam time, and I got called into my boss's office. I had already come to terms with all of the badness of the semester, but I was still nervous. Confrontation of any kind unnerves me, and confronting my own failings was not my first choice as a prelude to my last final. Well, I went to her office, and it turns out the only reason for the visit was to let me know that I didn't have a contract waiting for me for the next term. This was not surprising information. I've had at least three clients who thought that getting their work straight was secondary to complaining about how I made them feel in our sessions, and, after each instance, my supervisors made clear that the clients' perspectives were the only ones that mattered. I accepted after the second one that no one wants to work with a bitch, and this bitch was frankly tired of being bitched about. I had not, on the other hand, managed to find alternative part-time employment, which means the hole I started this semester while not getting paid won't get shallow anytime soon. Instead of graduating debt free, I'll be about $20,000 in debt. I will not likely be able to find another job on campus, which means I'll either have to resort to working in the food service industry or need to find a very understanding business off-campus that can deal with my lack of transportation and obnoxious rehearsal schedule. More probably, it means I'll just be essentially unemployed for the semester during which I'll have to travel and print headshots many times in hopes of securing some type of employment. Truth be told, I've been sick of this job since mid-October when I couldn't seem to get all of my reports in and I kept getting obnoxious clients who didn't do what they were supposed to and thought that I would somehow be able to fix it. I got sick of people coming in who couldn't spot basic grammar errors, who didn't follow simple directions, who didn't know how to think critically. Part of me felt sorry for them, but part of me was angry that people like this had been let into my school. I wanted so badly to deal with students who wanted to be there, who came in good and only got better. I never get what I want. I did have some clients whom I enjoyed. Some were at least willing to work. Some showed marked improvement. But they were few and far between, and I didn't have it in me to appreciate the assholes the same way I appreciated the regulars. Neither could I comprehend how my supervisors were so concerned with whether these people were having a good experience and gave not a thought to how miserable I was, to how little the clients contributed to making one session or another a positive one. It wasn't working on either side. It only made sense that I would be let go. Still, I've been working here for over a year. I'm comfortable here. I do have good days that I'll never be able to have again and I really like my colleagues. Tutoring is technically my first real job. Getting it meant establishing that I'm employable. Losing it means contesting that establishment. Could I have been nicer? I could have smiled more, but it would not have been genuine. When I like a client, I warm to him even if I'm having a bad day, and vice versa if a client is really pissing me off. I wanted to make an impact, to bring improvement to the writers who come here. I realized at some point that that isn't really in my power. Even when I genuinely was in a client's corner, I'd often see him do better with another tutor. At the same time, there were people who I felt did value me for what I had to offer. It saddens me that my work with them doesn't count. I wish I could have been better, but I really can't say what would have made that happen. The thing that really bothers me, though, is that they took the time to let me know they don't want me anymore, not that they needed to tell me. I knew my contract ended at the end of the term and I knew I hadn't been sent to sign another one. I wasn't planing on being here next semester, and I could tell I wouldn't be missed. I don't know why it is that they chose to give me what amounts to a referendum on my performance this past semester. I had come to terms with that and decided to put it behind me when they decided to put it in my face. My boss went so far as to ask me if I had any questions, as if anything they told me at this point would make a difference. It was like she was looking for an opportunity to tell me how much I suck. She didn't need to tell me. I know. And now that's all I can think about.