Tantrum Time

It's times like this I really wish I had a calming, supportive presence in my life who thought that the very childish tendencies I have are actually quite cute and is able and willing to let them pass in quiet amusement until I'm able to get control of myself and pretend to be a grown-up. As that is not the case, I had no ready audience for the explosive temper tantrum that welled up inside of me after I recieved and email from the theatre program. It turns out, instead of the six weeks that they spent rehearsing for Smokey Joe's Cafe, the powers that be have decided on a whopping nine weeks of rehearsal for The Color Purple, starting on the 17th, also known as the second week of rehearsals for Oklahoma! The rehearsal week will most likely be Monday-Friday, which means that, instead of maybe having to drop out of the recital in April, I'll be unable to take class at all. In a nutshell, my hopes for my last undergraduate semester have come crashing down like a comet with dinosaurs in it's sights.

THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had actually calmed down. I was thanking God for my grades. I was accepting the fact that I may not be able to do that cockamamie double-major-in-my-last-year thing. I was beginning preparations for my little audition tour. And now this. I just can't win. No matter how bright the flash is in the moment, it's always followed by an abrupt dissipation into darkness. My second semester is suppoed to be a breeze. It's supposed to be my redemption, my picking myself up after a major fall that led to being stuck on my back like an unfortunate cockroach. Being essentially unemployed, I'm supposed to have lots of time to devote to my studies and preparation for my auditions, without the stress of worrying about falling behind. I'm supposed to grow as a dancer through Oklahoma! rehearsals and jazz fusion classes until I'm able to confidently perform at a recital and know that I deserve to be there. I'm supposed to come off of Oklahoma! with another show, serving as one last chance to end my college career with that bang of affirmation I'm finally able to admit to seeking. It's supposed to get better. It's not getting better.

I absolutely cannot double major and graduate in the spring. All of the philosophy classes I would choose from to take are full, and there aren't any CLEP or (to my knowledge) online options that aren't something I've already taken. I took this in stride, too busy at the time appreciating my grades to lament the loss of that adendum to my piece of paper. However, now, it seems like another kick in the pants. I also can't send my AP scores over the phone. Without them, I'm shy one English course, and I simply refuse to take a freshman English class as a senior. Not only am I completely uninclined to spend any of my time matching wits with a bunch of reluctant outside majors who were reared by failing school districts, I strongly believe that I shouldn't have to. On the other side of the coin, I currently have enrolled in only three classes, as I have met all of the other requirements for my one major and minor, and will have to six more credits out of some orifice to be considered a full-time student and qualify for my scholarship. If my woes were purely academic, I might take some time to point out how ridiculous it is that the university, though largely in debt, requires its presidential scholars to take more classes than necessary, thereby spending more of the school's money than necessary, in order to take the classes which are necessary. As it is, that is not my principle concern at the moment.

I absolutely cannot do both Oklahoma! and The Color Purple. Their respective rehearsal schedules are right on top of one another, and the Department is not at all known for being understanding when it comes to other committments, much less other theatrical committments, much less other theatrical committments that involve moi. Ensemble though it is, I've already been cast in Oklahoma!, so by even auditioning for The Color Purple, I open myself up to the possibility of backing out of a committment I've already made and screwing a director of whom I'm very fond out of a cast member...again. I'm in no humor to take an ensemble role in the last major production of my undergraduate career, especially one that will take me out of the best performance training venture available to me at the moment. But...I can't let go of this burning desire to have that moment of affirmation, that time when I know my worth based on my position and can carry that into the real world once I leave the shelter of college. As aware as I am that I should not seek to be justified externally, I want to get to take the stage in Charles Winterwood before I have to take on a professional stage. Not only will it be a boost to my confidence to have been cast in a major role for a reason besides the fact that they didn't really have anyone else (a la Whorehouse), it'll soften some of the skepticism that the lack of professional credits on my resume will inspire in potential employers. I honestly don't think I could take another experience like Wrestling With Angels, and will definitely not sign on for such...but there is still the chance that, this time, I'll get the outcome I've been wanting. I don't need to star/be a principle in The Color Purple, but I want it. I want it real bad. And that can't happen unless I audition. If I auditon, I will probably be cast. The show has a big ensemble, and, even though the director is not at all fond of me, I'm pretty sure the choreographer would be happy to have me on as a workhorse. The problem is, I don't want to be a workhorse. I'm sick of being a workhorse, and I'm sick of having my progress determined by whether the faculty like what they see (no need to acknowledge the hypocrisy of still wanting to be cast as a principle by the department) in me, versus how far I feel I've come. I can't do it. I won't do it. In the event that my cowardice wins over my determination, I'll know that I've set myself up for a miserable nine weeks. In the event that I'm able to follow my heart, I'll have pissed off the faculty one more time. Someone is going to lose in this situation, and if history is any indication, that someone will be me.

This is so stupid. Why why WHY  do we have to have nine weeks of rehearsal? Ain't Misbehavin' had six weeks. Smokey Joe's had six weeks. Crowns definitely had six weeks, and waited until January to announce a cast so that the rehearsal process couldn't possibly be any longer. What is it about this show that made them flip the script? It could be, of course, that the fact that this show has an actual plot, not just a bunch of songs strung together, means that it warrants more attention in the eyes of the director. I see this as a definite possibility. On the other hand, I've done other shows (with plots) in the shorter time-frame and, barring the stress of having to learn to skate and the breakdown over being told to shut up, they went just fine. Although The Color Purple is a major undertaking because of its long timespan and large cast, there isn't anything particularly challenging that would make it warrant more time than the standard six-eight weeks. Eight weeks, I would resent but understand. Nine feels like overkill, and a reiteration by the faculty that we should all sit on our asses and wait for the department to pluck us from the abyss, rather than seek opportunities to hone and showcase our skills wherever we can find them. And I've no indication that this longer timespan will mean that the creative team will be any more understanding about conflicts of any kind, including the ones that keep me off of food stamps. Music rehearsals, the most crucial for a musical production, are going to be first, so it's not like I can miss out on the beginning of the rehearsal process and catch up later. As I learned with Xanadu, it's much harder to learn a dance when you don't know the song yet. I don't think they're going to capitalize on the time that they have us, and I can already feel myself being taken for granted. Three and a half years I'm at this school and there isn't one show they put on that makes me want to be a part of it. Now, at the eleventh hour, they put me in this very uncomfortable position. I'm am both completely helpless and completely in control. It's up to me whether I audition (Let's not kid ourselves: I'm totally auditioning) or not. It was my decision to audition for and accept a role in Oklahoma! and it will by my decision to hold onto that role or reject it in favor of the people who are so good at putting me down. I have too many choices to make and not enough is in my hands. It's always "or", never "and." Oh, if life were made of moments.